REWARDS AND PUNISHMENTS
Lately I have been hearing many parents talking about giving rewards and
punishments to their toddlers. While this method is not recommended for any age
group, it is particularly ineffective for toddlers. It can start out innocently,
but escalate to horrendous (and expensive!) proportions. The feature article in
Newsweek, September 13, 2004 issue exemplifies, what I believe, are the
long-term results of this method. With the assistance (?) of media (another
topic entirely), parents have statistically created an imbalance between
materialism and values. I strongly recommend that you read this article. I
understand that when parents are at a loss to elicit the behavior they desire,
or when they just want a quick fix, rewards is the answer. But, consider the
long-term effects.
First, let’s clear up one big point, and call a spade a spade. A reward, as
commonly referred to, is actually a bribe. In the adult world, this is criminal
behavior. Do I have your attention? Is this really what we want to teach our
children? I can support an occasional reward, for after-the-fact exemplary
behavior, but not for a routine parenting technique. We shouldn’t have to buy
good behavior. It may sound idealistic, but I want children to act good because
it feels good, and because they know it is the right thing to do. I don’t think
this is asking too much. Don’t we feel good when we are kind and generous? We
take away from children, that internal pleasure, when we train them to expect
external rewards.
So, how do we do this? The obvious answer is modeling kind and moral behavior,
perhaps commenting on how good it feels to be helpful. You can look for the
smallest signs of kind or helpful behavior and congratulate your child, without
calling attention to negative behavior. Trust me, it is better to ignore unless
someone is being hurt. Basically, anything you can do to help your child feel
that he/she is contributing to the family or community will lead to increased
self- esteem. That self -esteem should be the reward in and of itself. I know I
just made that sound unbelievably simple; and it’s not really that simple. But
there is only so much I can say in this one small column. I whole-heartedly
believe that the method of positive discipline that Jane Nelson professes is
necessary to help us guide our children to be socially and emotionally healthy
(without using rewards and punishments).
In the short space left, I will briefly touch on the problem with punishment.
Most notably, it creates anger, fear and resentment in children. It does nothing
to help the child want to do or act better. It may help parents feel that they
are in control (which actually only lasts for as long as the punishment is in
effect), but there are many other tools that can and should be used. Natural and
logical consequences is one of these tools (also another topic entirely). Again,
I will defer to the wisdom of Jane Nelson’s Positive Discipline Method. I use
her techniques in my school so I know how effective they are. (I also teach this
method to our parents.)
If, after reading this article, you are still left with specific question, you
are welcome to e-mail me at carolynnstoddlers@yahoo.com.