Death and Dying
One of the themes for this month’s newsletter is temper tantrums. In the past
few months I have written several articles on this subject; and since one of our
children recently had an experience with death, I feel moved in that
direction...While it is nearly impossible to be completely prepared for death of
any kind, there are a few concepts that you can introduce randomly. The ideal
scenario is to begin to explore death in a non-emotional setting. Summer
gardening is an excellent opportunity. Talk about dead flowers, fallen leaves
and dead insects. Keep the explanation brief and simple. Have children pick or
collect dead leaves, and casually mention that everything dies when it is the
right time for it (them) to die. They die to make room for new leaves, flowers
or other living things.
Should the tragic loss of a loved one become a reality, here are some thoughts
to keep in mind. Studies show that children go through a series of stages in
their understanding of death. Young children perceive death as temporary. While
the finality of death is not fully understood, a child may realize that death
means separation, and separation (especially from parents, with a loss of care)
can be frightening. Preschool children usually see death as reversible,
temporary and impersonal. Watching cartoon characters on television miraculously
rise up whole again after having been crushed or blown apart tends to reinforce
this notion. Long before we realize it, children become aware of death. They see
dead birds, insects and animals. They see death on television and in an infinite
variety of computer games, etc. They hear about it in fairy tales and act it out
in their play. Death is a part of life; and children, at some level, are aware
of it. They don’t necessarily understand it, though. Encourage communication.
Listen thoroughly. Be prepared to possibly have to repeat your explanation over
and over. It is a very vague and elusive concept for a young child to grasp.
Explain the basic facts of death in brief and simple terms. When a person dies
they no longer eat, sleep, talk, walk; they do not return and their body is
buried. Depending on your beliefs, this would be an appropriate time to address
the spirit or other religious beliefs in brief and simple terms.
The following are some ways to NOT explain death:
• Children may hear adults refer to putting the dog to sleep? As a result,
children may become afraid to go to bed, afraid they won’t wake up, or that you
won’t wake up.
• If we refer to death as went away, children may fear any separation from Mom
or Dad, etc. Maybe they won’t come back. Grandma never came back after she went
away?
• Telling children that sickness was the cause of death could be a problem too.
Their minor ailments may begin to cause them unnecessary concern.
• And we can’t even say Grandma died because she was old. Parents are old to a
child. A big brother may seem old. Does that mean they are subject to imminent
death? Also, children eventually may learn of a young person who died. This
could lead to confusion or distrust.
• Another confusing situation could be when we say Grandpa is happy now - and
then we are grieving. Why the grieving if Grandpa is so happy? The truth is that
it was time for Grandpa to die, and we are so sad because we miss him. We can
keep the memories of Grandpa alive in our heart. That might help us not miss him
so much.
Children may express their feelings in many different ways. Studies have shown
that when children experience the death of a close relative, they often feel
guilty. Children have difficulty understanding cause-and-effect relationships.
They may think that in some way they caused the death. Reassure that the child
has always been, and always will be loved; and again Mommy died when it was time
for Mommy to die. You had nothing to do with that.
Children may express anger toward the dead person, especially if that person was
a caregiver. Anger is part of grief. The child needs to be reassured that they
will be cared for. Children also mourn. Mourning heals. Being open with our
sorrow and fears shows children that it is all right to cry and to be sad.
Children may show little immediate grief because they do not have the emotional
maturity to work through a deeply felt loss. They may express their sadness off
and on over a long period of time. Play (dolls puppets, games, etc.) is an
excellent mechanism to help work out feelings.
It is difficult for me to write on this subject, but my hope is that this
information may afford you a small amount of comfort someday.
If, after reading this article, you are still left with specific question, you
are welcome to e-mail me at carolynnstoddlers@yahoo.com.